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Saturday, May 1, 2010

Crossroads

  I am standing here, at the crossroads in my life.  I have been here before, but I am older now, and the impact of my decisions is weighing heavily upon me.  When I was younger, I was more apt to quit a job, leave a relationship, or stand up for myself. At different times, my anger at injustice backfired upon me, but I learned from each experience.  Now that I am older, I am angry at feeling settled.  It's as if a part of me needs to maintain the gypsy within to find truth.  I still feel like I have so much to do, so much to learn, so much to see...
  I received a call today, from my daughter's dance instructor. She is an incredibly talented woman...too good for the little recreation center studio without mirrors, and with dancers who don't often work hard enough to hone the craft.  There was great sorrow in her voice, and I felt great sympathy for her family as they are dealing with the impending death of her beloved Grandmother.  It reminds me of how I shy away from the dying, how I avoid death and the emotions that bind one to it.
  My daughters are preparing to go teach the classes, as per their teacher's request. The recital is just two weeks away, and I fault them for their attitudes about going. It is not their fault, nor their teacher's fault that students dropped out, show up late, don't work at the routines, or have attitudes, nor is it their fault hat this woman has asked a favor of them. But what is a fault is their lack of empathy, of love for their craft right this minute.  They are at a crossroads.
  Their crossroads is far simpler than the road I stand upon. They need only to shower and dress, and get driven to the studio. Their natural inclination to do the right thing will take over and their frustration for having to give up a Saturday that would otherwise be spent doing basically nothing, will give over to the movement and their true love of dance. They will evolve under the truth of honing a craft that they have loved since toddlerhood.
  Their teacher is at a crossroads, a road that leads to the heaviness of death and all the arrangements that mortals must attend to, as well as the immense drama and sorrow it brings with it.  She will be empowered by assisting her elderly mother, by doing what needs to be done to pay respects to a loved one.
  And then there is my search for internal truth. How did I get here. What decisions have landed me here. No more funding for school. I cannot afford to go abroad, a dream that I have been working on for ten years. I am held within  the grasp of a marriage that doesn't even resemble what it was in its infancy. I am struggling to maintain my temper with my children, who are very free thinking and as equally as vocal--often uttering horribly mean idioms that make my blood boil.  What do they know? How can they REALLY know, when they are so insulated and supported? It is my weight, my choices to bear--to protect them form the world tat takes no prisoners.
  I am at the crossroads of my life, trying to resolve the past and craft the future, to find the literary and scholarly voices within myself to surge forward with some amount of craft and respect. I have not shined in this life as I'd hoped, but I have shined once or twice, and for now it is my resolve. It is what propels me to know I am able to keep going somehow.

A Moment of Reflection

I am at a crossroads in my life.
Who isn't right?
Just when I tired of snow and ice,
the weather shifted and within its gentler breezes,
I found myself with renewed direction.
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